


it takes a village

by plingo_kat



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-02
Updated: 2015-02-02
Packaged: 2018-03-10 02:58:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,331
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3274175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/plingo_kat/pseuds/plingo_kat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Oh, <em>hell</em> no,” Miranda says when she sees Shepard walking up the dock up to the Normandy, Urz loping at his heels. “Absolutely not.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	it takes a village

Surprisingly, Mordin is the one who is most welcoming to their newest crewmember. Then again, perhaps that isn’t surprising at all – Urz is docile as long as you have some meat and are prepared to whack the varren hard on the head when he misbehaves. As a bonus, he’s mostly quiet. These are all qualities Mordin can appreciate. On the other hand…

“Oh, _hell_ no,” Miranda says when she sees Shepard walking up the dock up to the Normandy, Urz loping at his heels. “Absolutely not.”

“Aw, come on.” Shepard grins at her, a stupid little-boy grin that says _isn’t this cool?_ and _you love me, admit it_ and isn’t even the slightest bit charming. At all.

 _”No,”_ Miranda repeats. She can practically feel her blood pressure rising. “I put up with you collecting strays, Shepard – the fact that they’re often deadly sociopaths isn’t particularly relevant – but this, this _animal?_ No. You’ve gone too far.”

“Just think of how useful he’ll be,” Shepard wheedles. Urz slinks in circles around his feet. “We can sic him on people we don’t like.”

“Well right now the person I don’t like is you!” Miranda snaps.

“Ouch.” Shepard claps a gauntleted hand to his armored chest, the clatter of metal on metal loud enough for Urz to lift his head like a hunting dog, ready to let loose. Miranda twitches. “That hurts me. After all we’ve been through.”

“What we’ve been through has been for the mission,” Miranda says. “This, here, has nothing to do with the mission. Leave that thing on this miserable rock.”

“Hey,” Grunt rumbles. “That’s the home of my clan you’re insulting, human.”

“Your _clan_ ,” Miranda says, “is Shepard. You do what Shepard tells you to do. And what Shepard told you to do is to stop the Reapers and not hurt his crew. I’m crew – ergo, you don’t hurt me.”

“I am Grunt of Clan Urdnot,” Grunt says. “Insult Tuchanka again and regret it.”

He stomps past her into the airlock, deliberately walking so that Miranda has to step aside or be knocked over. Miranda’s eyes narrow.

“See? It’s already destabilizing command dynamics.”

“Only destabilizing I saw was between you and Grunt,” Shepard says mildly, patting Urz on the head. The varren makes a growling, purring sound, interspersed with fairly unnerving clicks and squeaks. “Besides, pets always take a bit to get used to.”

“ _No_ ” Miranda says. “Fish are pets. Your stupid space hamster is a pet. _That,_ ” she points at Urz, who looks at her finger like he’s contemplating whether or not to bite it (and the rest of her arm) off, “is not a pet!”

He voice raises in pitch near the end of her statement. Shepard stares at her, head cocked to one side in an unconscious imitation of the varren at his feet.

“You sound stressed,” he offers. “Are you sure you don’t want to lie down?”

“Argh!” Miranda throws her hands up in the air. “Talking to you is like beating my head against a brick wall!”

“Yeah, you shouldn’t do that,” Shepard says helpfully, making his way up the gangplank. He has to make a grab for Urz when he tries to snap at her calf. “Do you think he needs a leash?”

“Die in a fire,” Miranda snarls at his retreating back.

*

“Oh _Keelah_ ,” Tali says when she sees him for the first time. “Um. It’s not going to attack, is it?”

She edges around so that Shepard is standing between her and Urz, a barrier of solid flesh.

“Aye,” Donnelly eyes the varren nervously. “It looks… hungry.”

“Don’t worry, Tali, Donnelly,” Shepard nods at each of them, “Gabby. Urz here is harmless. If he gives you trouble, just hit him hard on the head and he’ll settle down.”

“I’d be more worried about getting my hand bit off, if you know what I’m saying.” Donnelly isn’t reassured. “Maybe you can just keep him out of engineering?”

“Yes,” Tali chimes in. “That would be good, Shepard. I don’t want to have to shoot it.”

Shepard sighs. “All right. Come on, Urz.”

 _”Varren,”_ he hears Tali mutter before the deck doors swish shut.

*

“I ain’t cleaning up after that thing if it shits in the halls, Commander,” Gardner says.

*

“The fuck is that?” Jack says.

“It’s a varren,” Shepard says. “Miranda hates him.”

“Well, fuck,” Jack says. “That’s good enough for me.”

*

Urz does, as it turns out, come in handy.

 _”No.”_ Joker sounds horrified, with a healthy dash of disbelief mixed in. “We do _not_ have, have _tribbles_ chewing through our wiring. This isn’t Star Trek!”

“Not ‘tribbles.’” Mordin says, doing something unspeakable to a console. “Organic life forms with rapid reproduction cycles. Never seen them before. Biologically engineered? Possibly. Could be bred to attack crops, in this case used to damage ship systems. Surprised starvation has not been an issue. Will try to come up with safe eradication procedure. In meantime, should kill or capture quickly.”

“Tribbles,” Joker says flatly.

“Never took you for a Star Trek fan,” Shepard says, leaning against the wall. “Figured you more for a Star Wars guy – hotshot pilot getting the princess and all.”

“Hey, never took you for a geek, Commander,” Joker says. “And I liked both, thank you very much.”

“I’ve got hidden depths,” Shepard nods agreeably. “You shouldn’t underestimate—“

There’s a sudden clicking noise, reminiscent of a dog walking on tiled flooring.

“Um,” Shepard says. “Did anyone see where Urz went?”

There’s a low snarl, and then the high panicked squeaking of an animal that just saw its fellow being messily dismembered and eaten.

“Never mind.”

 

* 

After The Mysterious Tribble Incident (so named because The This Is Not A Frakking Star Trek Episode Incident, The Possibly Bioengineered Pest Incident, and The Goddammit I’m Not Going To Clean Up All This Blood and Fur Incident are all terrible alternatives) Urz becomes somewhat of a celebrity to the crew.

One of the few people who aren’t fans, it seems, is Gardner.

“Hell no!” he says when Massani asks diffidently for some raw meat. “You want to feed that monster, get your own meat.”

“If Shepard would let me kill somebody on this boat, I would.”

“Don’t try and intimidate me,” Gardner growls. “My Staff Sergeant could beat the pants offa you.”

Massani bares his teeth in a grin. “I’d like to see him try.”

“Zaeed,” Shepard says.

“Fuck, what? I wasn’t doing anything.”

“Stop pestering Gardner. Gardner, could you get me some meat for Urz?”

“Goddammit,” Gardner mutters, but hands the food over.

“Thanks.” 

Massani trails after Shepard as he leaves. “That bastard,” he says. “Of course he gives the meat to you, _Commander_ She—“

“Here,” Sheppard says, shoving the meat into Zaeed’s hands. He whistles sharply, hearing the sharp click of Urz’s claws on the floor. “Don’t say I never did anything for you.”

“Hey, what--?” Zaeed’s protest is cut off as Urz jumps on him. “Shit, you stupid beast, watch the fucking _claws_ \--“

Sheppard grins and mutters a “good boy” under his breath.

*

“Who’s a good varren?” he hears Tali’s accented voice say one night when he goes down to the mess for a snack. “You are, aren’t you? Here, are you ready? Fetch!”

He rounds the corner just in time to see Urz make a running jump to snatch something round and rubbery in his jaws.

“Oh, hello, Shepard,” Tali says, clasping her hands behind her back and shuffling her feet. “Um.”

Urz trots up to her, butting up against her hip.

“Are you playing _fetch _?” Shepard says. “Where did you even get a ball that can withstand his teeth?”__

__“Actually,” Tali says, voice taking on a lecturing tone, “it’s a dense synthetic material similar to that of an armor weave—“_ _

__“You made it yourself, didn’t you,” Shepard says. “You made up an entirely new material so you could play fetch with Urz—“_ _

__“Oh, like you wouldn’t if you could,” Tali snaps._ _

__“Good point,” Shepard says. “Can I throw it a couple times?”_ _

**Author's Note:**

> This is unfinished and will probably stay that way. I unfortunately completely forgot where I was going with it -- possibly Urz helped fight off an attack on the ship?? Who knows. But I really love it because I'm forever bitter you couldn't take Urz with you off Tuchanka, so. Here it is.


End file.
